COMMUNICATION:
ANECDOTE:
My mother, the youngest of 4 siblings, 2 boys and 1 girl, had to quit school at age 16 to help support her 2 older brothers in University. The family were immigrant refugees as my grandfather was killed in a pogrom in Russia. Both brothers graduated and became educators and theologians. One an optometrist and the other a Rabbi. Both pillars of their community. However, whenever they or her older sister ran into personal problems or issues they could not handle, they always called their younger baby sister, Becky. a high school dropout, for advice. When either of her brothers would call her from Florida (to Toronto) and would vent and vent, my mother never said a word until they finished. I would overhear and, even as a young teenager, brought up in understanding by a great mother, I felt I knew what they should do, and I would signal to my mother “Tell them!” . But she never did. She only asked questions. And with each answer, ask them another question. – “What do they think that response would accomplish?”. They would think and respond. Then she would ask, “what harm or difficulty or benefit if any could come from that response”. They would think and answer. Then she would ask if that would be okay or is there another way they could respond. After about an hour they came to a conclusion that they understood internally and comfortably having been taken through all the scenarios and both intended and unintended consequences, without a word of advice from her. They would just thank her for listening.
I learned that only by going through that process can there be a truly fully informed decision and a usually a successful one.
It was over time, that I realized why my mother was so revered in our family and by her friends, never judging anyone, never giving anyone direct advice but listening and asking questions, not questioning their decisions or their motivation but helping them understand how they got where they go and the consequences of those decisions. That is how she tried to bring me up. She died when I was just 24. (56 years ago) It just took me several more decades to fully comprehend what she understood innately. To listen and ask questions. In that vein this blog is dedicated to Becky (Brucha) Richman.
Annotation:
When my mother died of a heart attack, I was 24. While I had attended a few funerals by then, the large funeral hall in our community usually had a few empty seats. When my mother, a stay-at-home mother, passed, the funeral home was overflowing with many, many people having to stand outside in the driveway. I wondered where they all came from. It was only then that I realized how many lives she had touched. I lost my best friend. So had many others. She never judged anyone and never let me do so in any conversation we had. It was later that I realized that no one wants to be judged. We all want to be understood personally and professionally. How we go about it is crucial to our happiness. If we achieve happiness, we are successful. Both professionally and personally. We can judge the act or activity but not the person. – There is one exception but that will come a lot later in our discussions.
Footnote: IN PERSPECTIVE – Divergent Solution
Emails can be the worst form of communication for they are often done as a reflex response to words written, often without understanding or the context and our response may have little to do with the intent of the original request or comment. Please never send an email in an emotionally charged situation without putting it away for a day or two and re-reading it as if you were the recipient rather than the sender. You may find that what you meant was not how it will be understood. It may not even be what you meant.
If you screw up, immediately take ownership and call or write and apologize.
Why is it easier in person to communicate? Communication is much easier when we are face to face with someone. We can see their facial expression, the mischievous twinkle in the eye of someone pulling your leg, the tone of the voice, and their body language. Then we have the chance to get it right even if they are the wrong words.
Even now I struggle. If one of my children is in pain and they do not want to disturb me and call me and when they do they sound distant, my first thought is what have I done. So I stop myself and say” You don’t sound well. Is there anything wrong? When I hear how much they are suffering, I first feel really good. I am so happy. Not because they are ill or in trouble but because I am not responsible. And because now I free to empathize and be helpful. That may sound silly but that is who we are as human beings. So if they tell me their problems and I answer “That is wonderful”, if they are reading this, it is because I am not the source of their problems.
I will be addressing several topics over time, all in the context of putting things in perspective, understanding how we got where we are and hopefully through that coming up with whatever solutions may be successful even if they are divergent in nature resulting in happiness.
Peace and happiness.
PS:
Please forgive the many typos I am going to make. Please forgive me if I fail to meet my own objectives of providing clarity and advice and guidance to the many physicians and laypersons who seek it, for that is my objective: To provide clarity and advice and guidance for a better understanding of our communication.
See you next time.
Dr Jack
